There is so much pain in my heart. Sometimes all the memories just rush back and make me feel so sad. It’s like everything in my mind is filtered through “yeah no one wanted me” “my father abandoned me” and “my mother was a prostitute and a drug addict” and “foster care was torture.” I know everything that I went through has made me so much stronger and better than most people at surviving but God really?! Why?! Why can’t I just move past and not carry such a chip on my shoulder?
I just woke up form a dream about my family - my real family. They were at my house, somewhere, cleaning up my house and there were Christmas decorations and everyone was stealing from me and I was so angry that I yelled at them and said that they needed to leave because I was tired of being used by people that don’t love me. It really offended them.
It reminds me of that time I was talking to FF and she said that she didn’t want Lotoya’s kids to go into foster care (Tony’s babies) because foster care was terrible and that no child should have to go and that the family needed to step up and I asked her why no one stepped up for me. She was hurt when I said that.
Why didn’t anyone step up for me?
Why didn’t anyone want me?
Well now I am married and I know that my husband loves me and would do anything for me to protect me.
The lady,RI, I work with is so disorganized. It’s sad. She loses kids work and has terrible scheduling problems. I teach three subjects, she’d never survive that, she can barely do one. No notes. No powerpoints. Just little activities and discussions. This won’t last for too much longer.